Instead of “New Year, New Me!”, I am participating in “New Year, Same Me But With Intention!”

The last four years have been consumed with earning my college degree but at long-last, it is finally happening. In May of 2023, and at the tender age of 35, I will have earned my Bachelor of Science in Law and Society with a concentration in Criminal Justice. Given the road it took to get here, this accomplishment is a damn miracle.

Since the summer, I have been struggling with how to move forward after earning my undergraduate degree. Should I consider entering a master’s program? If I do, then what do I study? Guidance Counseling? Counseling Psychology? Criminology? Social Justice and Human Rights? I was lost in the mire of indecision and insecurity. At my age and point in life, I felt as if I could not afford to make another “bad” or “wrong” decision. I also felt a pervasive need to continue beyond my bachelor’s degree, despite the mental health gymnastics its taken to even get this far.

I was asking the wrong questions and, thus, receiving the wrong answers. I was asking myself what do I do next instead of what do I WANT to do next. I have been struggling and surviving my entire adult life, in no small part because of a history of mental illness beginning when I was thirteen. Every decision, every movement for seventeen years was based on survival and panic. Over the last four years, however, I have had the opportunity to thrive alongside surviving (the pandemic created new challenges and barriers).

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Moving forward, I have the opportunity to sail the seas of opportunity instead of tread water precipitously over dark crevasses of ocean.

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For the first time in my life, I can ask myself not only what I need but what I want. What I want is for my partner and I to have a home of our own out here in Western Maryland. I want to spend my free-time cooking, experimenting and playing in the kitchen, and engaging with people on social media about food. I want to know their food journey and share my own. I want to live, grow, heal, and grow more out here in the wild, wild woods of western Allegany County. I want my partner and I to have the peace, quiet, and room to live our best lives. What I want is stability and balance. That is what I crave.

Knowing what I want has made understanding what I need to do that much easier. While continuing my education would be an accomplishment, I know in my heart it is not the right path for me. At least, not at this time. Right now, I am focusing on finding remote work in administration or HR. I am good with people and paperwork and with my finally having a degree (along with some experience in management), I can find full-time work that pays well and has benefits.

Remote work is preferable because my mental illness can be debilitating; there are also times when I am experiencing severe insomnia and audio hallucinations, so leaving home can be unsafe for me. While I am taking medication and participating in therapy, I know there is no cure for my mental health. All I can do is manage the symptoms as best I can every day. Fortunately, one of the few positive outcomes of the pandemic has been a switch to remote work for many administrative jobs that can be filled by individuals from anywhere in the United States.

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For 2023, year of the Rabbit, my intentions are stability and balance; to thrive, not only survive.

For 2023, my major focuses are: professional health (school/work/learning), mental health (therapy/self-care/cooking/hobbies/socialization), and physical health (self-care/cooking/movement/doctors appointments).

I have been working on the logistics of My Bipolar Kitchen! for weeks and am finally ready to start it in the New Year (this week, actually).

Stability and balance are achieved through school, work, activities I love, engaging with others, and practicing self-care.

Food is my love language and I want to share that relationship with others. I want the 9-5 so I can afford to take more risks with cooking and socializing.

Stability.

Balance.

2023, I am ready for you.

I hope you are ready for me.